Base of Belonging

 

It's somewhat amazing to me that this blog still exists after all this time, even more amazing that I have access to it. When I tried to log in, I was logged into the wrong account, and it showed me that I had no blog, which is amusing in a sense. It's because it's all tied to Google logins, and the login I'd used when I made this site has never really been my standard Google account.

Time is such a weird phenomenon. The gap between this post and my last is almost as long as when I previously stopped posting back in 2015. Needless to say, a lot of things are different, some are the same, but some fundamental things about my life have changed, for better or for worse.

I'm working the same job as I did 6 years ago, I know, a rare occurrence! I was re-reading my earlier posts, talking about it as if it just happened. The emotions and thoughts I had as I was typing those letters out are entirely alien to me now, as will these be when I look upon this post presumably another 6 years from now. But I hope I'm happy then. Not to say I'm not happy now! I'm content, actually. Surprisingly content given the circumstances. This "place to belong", I was talking about 6 years ago, and the importance of it? Yeah, I kinda lost mine. Friends I've known for 18 years or more, suddenly telling me they can't be friends with me any more, and not even really elaborating on it. We've always had our differences, sure, but you'd think after 18 years, talking it through seemed like a given. It's not.

Alas, I was heartbroken over that. But that's a few months ago now. And it's not like I haven't been able to bounce back. While I lack a proper "place to belong", I at least, let's say, have a base of belonging. Hey, that's a good title, I should use that. I was going to use "Tempests of Time", but I kind of like this more now. There are good people in my life, some I've known for nearly as long, others I've known for a few years, and others still that are newer in my life. None that I don't treasure in their own aspect, of course.

It's wild to me I've not mentioned Zac yet, given that they're so important to me in my life, but I suppose I've only known them for three years, so of course you guys wouldn't know. They're my best friend! We even met up in Japan a year ago, which still feels surreal to me. There's a lot about Zac that I cherish, but the part that I probably cherish the most is how genuinely supportive they are. It feels weird to say this, but I think I never knew what it was like to have a proper friendship like this before. A lot of my previous friendships were always based around rivalry, or a form of competition. You wouldn't really talk about emotions much, and when you did, you'd kind of joke around with it or not really go into detail, because there was an absence of trust to show that kind of vulnerability around them. When most of my closest friends left me, it was Zac that kept me kind of sane during the whole ordeal. Reassuring me that I'm not the one that's insane, that it was them.

For years, I kind of always assumed that I'm the problem. Everyone always told me so, therefore it had to be true, kind of. Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. The real realization to have out of this is that it's all a matter of perspective. Some people cherish me for the person I am, and they're glad I'm in their life, other people think I'm a horrible person that probably deserves to die. Likely, I'm somewhere in between that. And what does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things? Morality and such are the realm of philosophy, and though I'm quite endeared to that, am far from an expert in it. Whether or not any of us are good or bad is really not for us to decide, we can only ever presume.

As I'm writing this, I'm reminded that really nobody reads this. Well, that's not true. You're reading it. You, right now! Yeah, you! I'm not sure who you are, though. You may be me, from the future. If so, hi! I hope you're still doing okay. That things don't get to you, even if they seem hopeless sometimes. That you're able to enjoy your life, and are able to be content with things. And I hope Nobu & Naga are still alive and well. Those are my cats, by the way. Did I ever mention those? Did I ever name drop them? Probably not, I think I only got them after I'd made my posts. But now their dorky names are also etched in history. I love them both a lot, they're very good boys (if they're not busy peeing or puking where they shouldn't)

I've been playing all sorts of games recently. Rift Wizard 3 has been a big one, Conquest of Elysium 5 some, and I just got done playing Mina the Hollower. When I was speaking about games in the past, I think it was always big releases. I do still play those, but the past 5 years or so I've been largely playing indie games. The game industry has really gone down the drain, but the games made by 1 or 2 people in a basement still know what real games are meant to be like. And as long as they keep making games, I'll keep playing them!

That's about it for today. Nobu has decided to lay on my arms as I'm typing, and I haven't the heart to push him off, which makes typing quite difficult. You might get another post in a few days or so. It might also be in a few years! Expect the unexpected.