Woes of Worship

I was going to write this post a lot earlier but I kept putting it off, and even now it feels almost like a burden rather than a relief. It's a little bit ironic, because what started (and restarted) as an act of freedom turned into an obligation. There's a life lesson in there somewhere I'm sure. Somehow, whenever I do something because I want to do it, sometime down the road it transforms into something I have to do. Naturally, I don't have to do anything, rather my brain tells me I should.

It's got something to do with preserving some form of status quo, maybe? Humans generally do not like change a whole lot, so in some weird, warped way it might be my brain's way of attempting to avoid change, even though it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Surprisingly, I'm still romantically interested in the person I was telling you about last time. Was it last week? Time flies by so quickly these days. I'm still reluctant to write anything more detailed about them because at this point I still cannot quite tell where things are headed. We stopped hanging out as much and there's been some bumps in the ride and my past experiences have made me very emotionally wary of any signs of danger. Danger in this case referring to a potential case of heartache by involving yourself with someone that's not reciprocating your feelings in the same magnitude. I've spoken with some friends about it, over the past couple months I've had a very unhealthy relationship with... relationships. It's like I'm constantly trying to anchor myself to someone and get mentally ready to settle down, I grip and hold tight on someone because I'm scared that if I let go for just a second they'll slip away. I'm not drowning them in affection, I do try and let the person breathe, but I cannot deny that every hour that passes when I'm not directly interacting with them will be seen as evidence of my lack of care for them and be held against me.

It might seem crazy to you, some of these theories. But believe me when I say they are grounded in real experiences with real people that I've been with. I've experienced just about all forms of heartache, from being cheated on, losing a loved one to sickness, being abandoned and straight up falling out of love. And over my many years of  experiences I've just been conditioned in an almost Pavlovian way to react a certain way to specific interactions. I've been told I'm too annoying, I talk too much but then I've also been told I'm too distant and I don't talk enough. Finding the right kind of balance seems essentially impossible. It's led me to believe that, rather than analyzing the apparent issue in any given relationship, aka. how much should I be talking, it's much more important to find the root cause of the problems. Because the reality is that no relationship falls apart because you don't talk the right amount. There's a bigger, more fundamental problem that's acting as a multiplier to any other issues that present themselves. And oftentimes the real issue is that nobody is addressing said multiplier. Essentially what I'm saying is that communication is the foundation of any relationship and any and all problems are able to be resolved if you sit down and talk about them, rather than sit on them and slowly have your relationship deteriorate.

But enough about relationships. I've been playing some more Monster Hunter lately because they've released a new entry in the series and an update on top. Monster Hunter's a good game franchise and I implore you all to try it, there's some frustration involved if you do not enjoy repetition, as its a core concept of the series given that you kind of grind for new equipment and weapons, but the actual process of doing so involves some of the most fun gameplay you'll ever experience. This is totally not a biased description, by the way.

I want to write more things, but frankly it's probably better if I keep these blog posts fairly short. The few people that might stumble on them certainly won't read them if they double in size, so it's best to take things slowly. And don't worry, I'll keep you in the loop if anything exciting happens.